Who knows?

Maybe it’s just me and who I am. Who I really am. Understanding the current situations in the world leaves me some nights with nightmares I can’t even begin to separate from reality. What is reality though? What your mind makes you believe right?
Who knows?
I never really thought I’d have someone there for me again, actually there for me in times where I break. Yet, I do. I feel so lucky to have her. I’ve never been one to believe in coincidences, so maybe this truly is the beginning of a new chapter. It sure as hell feels like it. I mean in all honesty it feels like the first time I have ever actually felt this way about a person. I was previously broken and shattered and everything I thought I knew was left in a grave. I moved past that but day and night I’d find myself floating back into those old memories, some good, mostly bad. Horrific nightmares waking me up wishing that’s how it wasn’t, blissful dreams waking me up wishing that’s how it was. I’m rambling. That’s what this thing is for though, right?
Who knows?
All I know is I feel love in a heart that turned to stone & & consumed by darkness. I’ve pushed forward and made great strides in the past 3 years, but over the course of this past year, I’d say I’ve made the most. We all have darkness inside of us, it’s keeping the light on that flickers within… Well… Flickering. I’m such a fucking idiot for posting this, random random ramble ramble. If you even read this far props to you *high five*.
Death isn’t on my side, at least well it hasn’t been. I’m not afraid to die, which scares some people. It never worked out. Maybe that’s why I relate to Deadpool so much. (Random nerd fact) However that lead me to the reasoning something higher than me is keeping me here, has plans for me… Or something.. But honestly…
Who knows?
At this point though I’ve found peace. Not just in my faith which I could be much better at practicing, but as who I really am. That’s probably why I’ve alienated so many people… because people don’t really know who they are. I’ve finally come to understand who I am, and I’m a complicated simple individual as oxymoronic as that is. A fucking walking paradox.
What does bring me the most joy I’ve ever felt and caused this heart of stone to beat again though is the love of someone I never saw coming. I hope you stick around, because I do love you.

The handling of a heart is a very delicate art ‘cause it’s paper thin. One irrelevant thought that started out as a spark could be a poisonous dart that leaves a permanent mark that’s ice cold in the day and burns in the dark….
Jay Electronica